"Flightwear" is the answer

Anyone who has recently flown on a commerical airliner knows that security checks have taken a turn towards the ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I am a nervous flyer and I feel that all suspicious looking passengers should be stripped, searched, subjected to hours of interegation and possibly beaten, however, confiscating a person's sample-sized tube of toothpaste is just going a bit too far.

Last week I traveled by plane and packed nothing liquid. Following the scare in England, the Feds have made it clear that air passengers cannot carry liquid materials on board any plane. No shampoo, no mouthwash, no shaving cream, just a small sample sized tube of toothpaste and nothing more.

Prior to the flight, I noticed one of my fellow passengers guzzling down bottled water like he was preparing to cross the Sahara on foot. At $3.00 a bottle, I suppose he didn't want to leave his investment behind.

When the flight began to board, gloved security people began to select passengers for a "random baggage check." I rarely fly and I never win any kind of contest, however, I have been a multiple winner in the "random baggage" sweepstakes, and this time was no exception.

I am led to a counter area with a small wall partition. The security person dons a fresh pair of latex gloves and begins rummaging through my bag. All is well until the airport fuzz stumbles upon my toothpaste.

'What is this"? he asks holding up the offending tube.

"It's Colgate Tartar Control with the fresh minty taste" I replied with a bright Colgate smile.

"Well, it ain't going on the plane" said the security guard, tossing my Colgate in the trash can.

"Congratualtions" I said "You have just struck a blow against terrorism and promoted tooth decay all in one simple movement."

This whole incident got me thinking about airport security in general. Here are a few bullet points that I feel should rate some serious consideration.

. All passengers must surrender the clothes they are wearing to airport security, upon checkin.

. Passengers will be issued a colorful jumpsuit (Each airline will have a designated color) to wear during the flight.

. Passengers will also receive "temporary" footwear to replace their shoes. Shoes will be distributed at the ticket counter "bowling alley" style, with sizes prominently displayed above the heal of the shoe.

. Passenger clothes and footwear will be scanned, searched, bagged and stored in the cargo hold of the airplane. Clothes will be returned at the passenger's final destination.

This uniform approach has always worked well at the parochial school level, why not here? If a passenger is lost in the terminal, they need only follow fellow customers with like clothing to find their way to gate area. No more of this tying and untying of shoes everytime you pass through the x-ray machine, your temp shoes with carry you from take-off to landing.

The simple genius of this plan is bound to be somehow marred by greed and opportunism. I envision a Taiwanese clothing manufacturer owned by Dick Cheney receiving a government bid for this "flightwear" spurring a rise in Republican campaign donations from the clothing production sector.