As seen on TV
My wife Janet is an ardent fan of horror movies. During the month of October, the ever-present howl of our hound dogs is often overwhelmed by screams and the pitter-patter of humming chainsaws emanating from our television.
Janet is generally not a big fan of television. Normally, she is a whirling dervish of activity, a perpetual motion machine who would shame and tire a twelve man chain gang crew. However, once a year Janet allows herself somewhat of a break and launches herself into a world of lycanthropes, vampires and giggling cannibalistic hillbillies.
With an occasional detour to view the World Series and our favorite show (The Office), my son and I will often join Janet, gambling our sleep plans to take part in this festival of gore. Janet is unfazed by the most grizzly of scenes, undaunted by the mayhem created by the sickest minds in show business. Following a few of these productions I laid wide-eyed in my bed, imagining that the bed-side lamp was glaring at me and, somehow, meant me harm.
(Note: As a child, after watching Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" alone one night, I hurled a lamp at my bedroom door sensing that I was not alone in the room. As it turned out, I had merely seen myself in the mirror affixed to my door and had attacked my own reflection. This incident also explains the poor run of luck which I have experienced since and why I get a weird chill every time I look in the mirror or wear women's clothes (just kidding, I rarely look in the mirror).
During Janet's demented film jubilee, we were treated to screenings of Saw 1, 2, and 3 back-to-back-to-back. For those of you who have not been exposed to this trilogy, the plot revolves around a madman who kidnaps tortures and executes his victims by the use of "Rube Goldberg" type of devices. If you remember the old board game "Mousetrap" imagine the sequence of traps that needed to be sprung to snare the plastic mouse, then gently replace the mouse with a person who, instead of being trapped by a plastic cage, is disemboweled by a mechanized collection of rusty auto parts.
During the breaks in the film, we would be assaulted by the same collection of "As seen on TV" commercial spots that we had seen during the previous break. Talk about torture, where are those rusty auto parts when you need them? As I contemplated the features, functions and benefits of "Mighty Putty" for the fifth time in the last thirty minutes, I was seized by thought. Why not incorporate these "As seen on TV" products into the film? Some of these things already look like torture devices, why not go the next step in product placement?
Billy Mays, the long-standing leather-lunged spokesperson for most of these products, could play the smiling villain and that cock-eyed, headset wearing carnie appearing on the "Shamwow" spots would do nicely as his fiendish pitchman/henchman. Is it me or does that dude look like Wilhem DeFoe and Annie Lennox's love child? I digress.
This plan would eliminate both the need for commercials and would demonstrate the products in ways that most people might not have ever considered. "Grab-it Screw Extractor" sales would go through the roof! Image how fresh those cannibal hillbillies could keep their guests if they had a set of Chef Tony's "Smart Lids" vacuum lids. And, as they say on the commercial "AND THAT"S NOT ALL!". Hannibal Lechter himself could offer a free recipe book with every "Pancake Puff" and "Slider Station" cooking system if interested consumers acted within the next fifteen minutes. The opportunities are endless!
Like many of my great ideas, I am sure this project is already in development somewhere on Madison Avenue. Just think, if Freddy Kruger had been fortunate enough to have a "Pedipaws Pet Nail Trimmer" to tidy up those claws back in the day, his nightmare might have been a whole other dream entirely. Sadly, we might never know.
If you are interested in hearing more about this revolutionary marketing concept, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to Box 2991 Radio City Station, New York, New York 10101, or simply return the unread portion of this article for a full refund. Operators are standing by.
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