Jeopardy in a Small Town

Yesterday, I emerged from a downtown doctor's appointment only to find a long line stretching down Campbell Ave. Unbeknownst to me, Roanokers were lining up to test for Jeopardy, right here in our own little hamlet. The Jeopardy "Brain Bus" was parked outside of Center in the Square as a diverse group shuffled cattle-like down the street. I thought "could the Brain Bus be like the bloodmobile?" Where people donating grey matter to help the infirmed? Thankfully, this was not the case.

Driven by a curious impulse, I slid into line and followed the crowd.

It is interesting to see what comes out of the woodwork when something foreign stops by a small city. The line included people with babies, suited business people, blue collar workers, high school students and a dog who was carrying his own leash. I know that Golden Retrievers are considered to be intelligent, but this pup was taking it to the next level.

The man standing in front of me struck up a friendly conversation and I learned that he too was an intrigued passerby. Jim is a very nice fellow from nearby Radford, Va who was sporting a grisly looking scrape on his nose. I found myself drawn to his injury, staring at the wound as we spoke. My concentration was finally broken when Jim asked "I bet you are wondering what happened to my nose?" I pretended that I didn't even realize that there was something wrong with his nose, fumbling my words like Tiki Barber carrying the ball on a rainy day. Jim went on to tell me a very detailed account of his nose accident, the set-up of the story was so long that we parted ways before I hear the rest of the story. (Note: Jim referenced scores of relatives who contributed to or witnessed the incident, several of his house pets, as well as weather conditions and precise timing of the event, down to the minute.

Upon reaching the front of the line Jim and I were directed to tables located on either side of the room. In a "Sophie's Choice-like" moment, we were separated. The shnozz story would be lost forever.

I sat, pen in hand and answered ten questions designed by some TV producer in hopes of weeding out the dummies in the group. After all, Jeopardy is supposed to be a show for more educated audiences, isn't it? I mean contestants are not randomly picking metal briefcases held by leggy models or swimming the length of an Asian lagoon with a bamboo pole in their mouths on Jeopardy, are they?

Nine of the ten answers came easy for me (What is the capital of New Mexico? What was the name of Polonius' daughter?) , but question number seven took me a while to ponder. It concerned a nautical idiom that meant "out of control." My mind was a blank and I started to sweat. The timer was ticking. I searched the many closets of my brain and found only a linty sweater and a pair of busted flip-flops. Finally I scribbled "a bull in a china shop" knowing that the answer was wrong. Rarely do cattle and china travel aboard ship together, and, if they did, some poor sailor would have a lot of cleaning up to do.

The timer rang and a smug looking college student appeared, grabbed my sheet, and blurted "You missed one, but that still passes around here" rolled his eyes and spit "You will have to come back tomorrow at 2pm!" I told him that I had to work and could not make it. Angrily he responded "Then why did you come down here then!" tossing my test in a nearby bin. Somewhere, in game show heaven, the classy Art Fleming is selecting "Rude, low-paid Interns" for $100.

I took my complimentary Jeopardy pen and left the premises. I had almost reached my car when I spotted Jim walking down the street. Flagging him down, I shouted "Hey Jim, how did you do?" His response? "I feel like I've been thrown from stem to stern" he answered, giving me an immediate headache.